Wiggle

We Did It

Today was Mike's last day going to the chemo room for treatment.  In some ways it feels like yesterday that I sat down at this computer for the fist time and wrote: Day 1 of Chemo. I remember at the end of our first week of treatment looking ahead and thinking I can't imagine how we are going to do this for three months.   Here we are. We did it!  

Good

Over the course of Mike's therapy I have gone to very few of his treatments because the kids need me. Over the past 3 months we have had so many friends help drive Mike to chemo, but today I was determined to walk out of the cancer clinic for THE LAST TIME as a family! So against all odds I woke up 2 boys from naps and battled rush hour to watch my husband be unhooked from his last dose. It was good for the boys to see where Daddy has been going, to see the IV, to ask questions, to meet the nurses.  They were both all smiles and eager to hop up on his lap.   We are so thankful for the great care we received at the cancer clinic which made this experience less frightening and more bearable.  We thanked the nurses and left FVCC hoping that we never have to go back.

As we made our way across the parking lot in the rain, arms full of children, diaper bags slung from our shoulders,  I smiled at my brave husband and said: "I'm so proud of you, you did it!".  He looked at our boys and then at me and replied, "We did it!".  I wouldn't recommend this experience to anyone but it has brought us closer together as a family and it has brought out humility, compassion, courage and faith in all of us (our kids included).  God brings out GOOD even in the most difficult experiences.

                                             And we know that God causes everything
                                              to work together for the GOOD

                                              of those who love God and are called 

                                              according to his purpose

                                              Romans 8:28

Wiggle

So here we are, chemo is officially over but I don't feel like we have emerged from the fog quite yet. Mike's last round of chemo has dragged on the longest. His body has been badly beaten by chemo and his strength and energy are taking longer to return.  This is to be expected after four rounds of intense treatment, but we are struggling to be patient. The end is in sight and though we are all tired, we are also eager to race ahead and dive back into life.  Each day that Mike gains strength I'm getting progressively more tired.  The pace and stress of these last 6 months is catching up to me.

One morning I was celebrating that Keegan had slept through the night and my mom informed me that that wasn't the case -  I just didn't hear him.  I'm not one to let my baby "cry it out" so after a few moments of guilt I just had to shrug my shoulders and remind myself I'm doing the best that I can.  Each day that my husband is getting stronger,  I'm giving myself permission to be weak. The mess may pile up, the house isn't in order, but I feel at peace to lie in the middle of the floor with my children playing around me because my body is demanding rest. I may be weary but I feel peace and joy in knowing that Mike is recovering, he is getting better. Praise God.

   My good friend, who has experienced similar challenges, posted a comment that perfectly describes what this last week has felt like and what I anticipate the next little while will be like. She wrote:  I'm hoping these days get better and better for you as you wiggle into a new routine and real recovery! "Wiggle"  is the perfect description for the adjustments we are going through as Mike recovers.  It is a dance of one step forward, one step back and many adjustments along the way.  The days are certainly getting better, but the challenge for me has been perspective and patience.  Mike has been so encouraging and through his love and care for me I've been reminded that though chemo may be done, God isn't finished teaching us to wait on him, to hand over our plans, and to trust him with the next chapter in our lives.

                                                           A Gift

Last night a young girl from our church showed up unexpectedly at our door with a gift.  She just turned 13 and she already inspires others by her generosity and kind heart.  She presented Mike with these beautifully framed embroidered words:

He that dwells in the secret place of the most High 

shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

Psalm 91:1

As we say goodbye to chemo and slowly wiggle back into our life,  I know that God has us exactly where He wants us to be - abiding in the shadow of the Almighty!

Wait and See

Three sick kids is never fun. We had a really terrible night, but the kids turned the corner by morning. I  would describe my night as "the Yo Yo  night".  I'm sure all parents can relate to these kind of nights. Spend 20 minutes in bed and pop up with one child, drift off to sleep for 30 minutes and back up with another.  I finally gave up trying to sleep; finally by 4 am fevers were finally under control, Keegan had stopped crying and I got 3 hours of sleep before the day began.  Good thing I've functioned on night shifts before.  It is not fun but it is doable.

Toby seemed back to himself today. Tyler has very runny nose but has his usual spunk and energy. Keegan has a runny nose, cough and fussy periods, but all three of them made it through the day without a fever.  I anticipate that our 2 year old may run into some problems with his chest in a day or two, as he has asthma. However the other two seem to pulling through the common cold just fine.  The stressful part is that this cold has hit us during the week when Mike's immune system is totally depleted.  He is receiving G-Csf shots every night to help boost his neutraphils, so hopefully he will have enough reserve to fight off the bug.  

Mike has stayed isolated in our room all day and the kids aren't allowed close to him. With noses streaming it is very hard to keep things sanitary in our home, but we are trying.  Mike has had a runny nose this evening, but no aches or fever.  We will just have to wait and see.

Otherwise Mike is starting to feel a bit better.  His appetite is starting to improve, the nausea has mostly subsided and other than a few mouth sores there haven't been any new side effects from chemo.  He feels good as long as he is resting. When he starts to move around he notices that he is still very weak.  Since he can't spend any time with the family, he has started to putter on some work stuff.  He is motivated, positive and enjoying getting some things accomplished.  The day goes by so much quicker when he is working on something purposeful.  He is "so done" with aimless entertainment to pass the time. 

We are all missing being together as a family.  The boys keep sneaking up towards Daddy's room and it feels so wrong to be keeping them apart.  Tonight as we said bedtime prayers Toby prayed: " Jesus, please take away all the runny noses in our family so we can be with Daddy again, and Tyler prayed " Thank you for Daddy".  I am praying fervently that Mike doesn't get this cold so he can keep regaining strength instead of being knocked down once again.  We don't know how the rest of our week will unfold; it may go smooth with quick recoveries or if Mike develops a fever we will be in for a crazy ride. Right now all we can do is wait, and trust God. As much as I would love to be in control of how our week unfolds, I am learning that God is in control and He always does what is right for us  - even if it is hard. Looking back at how God has taken care of us so far, gives me the peace I need for today and the strength to face the unknown.

Wait patiently for the Lord.

Be brave and courageous.

Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Psalm 27:14

---

Something for me.....

Today I did something for me. Since March I have been gradually dropping all the small things I did for myself even down to basic human activities.  I will admit that some weeks I only get to shower once or twice,  there might be time to clip my nails but certainly not paint them.  After we had our third baby, I worked to schedule in a few Jana activities to keep me sane (like running or bootcamp).  I have put those little pleasures aside for this season. Cancer has required me to serve my family to a whole new level and it hasn't been that hard because of the love I have for them.  Giving everything I have of myself to God and my family has been a very good exercise for me; my heart feels fulfilled as I focus all my energy outward.

Today I took 3 whole hours to myself and booked an appointment with the hairdresser.  Our life has been so crazy this year that it has been over a year since I have had a hair cut.  That is a new record for me. Needless to say I have never enjoyed getting foils and a hair cut more than I did today.  It was such a treat to do something for me.

                                                                       The New "Do"
                                                                   
The fun part of my day quickly came to an end when I came home to find that colds and flus have come back to visit our home.  I rolled up my sleeves and started taking temperatures, pushing fluids, giving Tylenol, cool baths and hugs.  All of our children came down with sickness suddenly. Toby and Keegan have been spiking temperatures throughout the afternoon, and Tyler has a runny nose and cough. Mike has been quarantened to our room and the children are not allowed to go near him.  My mom and I are working hard to take care of kids and keep things as clean and as separate as possible. I am very concerned for Mike.  He is encouraging me not to worry about what might be and we are both praying like crazy for protection. So far it is looking like tonight is going to be a busy night at our house. As I stripped our little baby down to his onsie, nursed him to sleep, and felt his little body burning up next to mine, I began praying.  This verse came to me as I was praying.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3: 5-6

 

 



 

Recap on Week 1 of our last cycle of chemo

I have a few more minutes in my day since my mom has arrived, so I finally have some energy to recap our week for you.  This last cycle has felt the most difficult physically but probably the easiest mentally.  Physically, we are both weary; I am tired of being a single parent and Mike's body has been badly beaten down by chemo.  However mentally we know the end is in sight and so much of the stress has been lifted knowing that Mike's test results are good.  We praise God.

I'll push rewind until last weekend and recap the ups of downs of our journey as we head into the last few miles of our marathon.

Man Camp

So we ramped up to our last cycle of treatment in kind of an unconventional way - we sent Mike to "Man Camp".  Some guys in our church organized a camp-out for men at Harrison Lake.  They loaded up tent trailers, RV's, our van, and Scott's big blue truck for some adventures in the wild.  A bit of risk while undergoing chemotherapy, but well worth it.   Mike didn't do any of the work he just went along for the ride and enjoyed some good food and great fellowship.  It was so refreshing for his soul to be out in nature with his closest friends, talking, laughing and praying together.  During Mike's sick weeks he goes days where he is isolated so it was nice to use some of his energetic moments to reconnect with friends.

Man camp was definitely more of a sacrifice for me.  Three days on my own with the kids is intense at the best of times let alone when I'm thinking ahead to the weeks we have awaiting us.  I knew in my heart that camping was exactly the lift Mike needed so I was motivated to try and get through the weekend with a positive attitude, but it wasn't easy.

Thankfully there were many other ladies who were also missing their husbands so we did some of the chaos together.  Friday night my sister and a good friend came over and we pooled together our food and made a delicious breakfast for dinner.  We had five kids under 4 running underfoot so there wasn't any time to sit and visit. But somehow the comradeship in chaos makes it easier to endure. Saturday I met up with friends at a park and we really did have a lovely day.

                                                          
By Sunday I was counting down the minutes until Mike came home hoping for a bit of a break.  It was great to see him but I could see he was tired and needed to rest more than I did. I pushed through to bedtime, looked around at the state of our house, and flopped onto the bed beside Mike and had a pity party for myself. I complained and expressed my feelings of dread for the next cycle of chemo.  I only got a couple of minutes into my whining when our door bell rang and I was met by a lady from our church grinning ear to ear as she handed me a huge Rubbermaid full of treasures. I could sense her excitement to give us this gift and instantly all the discouragement I had been feeling just melted away.  She had taken it upon herself to e-mail the church and collect gifts from anyone who wanted to lift our spirits.  We started to pull out item after item that were intentionally given to comfort, to soothe, to bring laughter and to create family memories.  Kites, beach toys, family games, coffee, girly bath goodies, candles, chocolates were all lovingly labeled with butterfly sticky notes that held words of encouragement.  This gift gave us new wind in our sails, the reminder to look up, and the knowledge that many people are cheering us on and holding us up in prayer. I was in a better state of mind to enter our last round of chemo.

Chemo

So far this round of chemo has been uneventful.  Mike goes in for approximately 5 hours of IV chemo and comes home a little more tired and nauseated every day. He is tired of taking pills, his hands are bruised and his veins are not happy about being poked. Needless to say Mike is counting down the days until he is finished. By the end of this week he has been retreating to the bedroom for a quiet place to rest and cope with nausea.  He continues to eat small amounts, but eating is a struggle.  He has moments where he has energy to interact with the boys but we have to stagger play times with frequent rests. One fun moment was eating popcorn and cheering for the canucks. Neither Mike or I are hockey fans but we felt obligated to watch the Stanley Cup finale when every vehicle driving into the complex had either cannucks flags attached to the roof or a driver wearing a jersey.  Here we are getting in to the spirit of hockey for the first time ever!

                                                     Enjoying the popcorn more than the game

Loss and Hope 

Most days Mike returns from chemo and rests, Tuesday was an exception. Mike pushed himself harder than usual but for a very important purpose. He went to chemo first thing in the morning, I picked him up at noon and we headed to a funeral for a neighbor who has also been suffering from cancer.  We haven't known George for long but he and his family have made a big impression on us and we care deeply for them in this difficult time of loss.  George has a wife and two small children ( 3 years and 5 years).  Mike had the privilege of visiting with George in his last days and it became apparent that George had supernatural peace through it all and a strong faith.  My heart aches for his family and I am so glad we were both able to attend the service.  I am so inspired by George's wife who has had a smile on her face in the midst of all their hardship. I didn't expect to come away from this memorial service with renewed faith and hope - but I did.  

Lazarus Come Out

The minister at the service gave a message that talked directly to the one fear in the back of my mind that I try to avoid thinking about: death.  This is something I don't  think about very often, but occasionally I get waves of fear that I might lose Mike to cancer. God spoke to me through his message and it was as though the biggest fear that lingers deep down in the back of my mind was lifted. The message brought us to a passage in John 11 that recounts the event where Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead.  This passage talks about how much Jesus loved Lasarus, it highlights His emapathy as He weeps with the family for their loss. It goes on to show how Jesus is more powerful than death. As the pastor read these verses I felt God meeting me in such a personal way and the truth of these words extinguished my fear and gave me hope. Mike has often assured me that no matter what happens it will be o.k and I know his hope stems from verses like these.


"So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”  ⁴ When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” ⁵

“Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. ²² But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”
 ²³ Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”
 ²⁴ Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”
 ²⁵ Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; ²⁶ and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
 ²⁷ “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”
When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. ³⁴ “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
   “Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
 ³⁵ Jesus wept.
 ³⁶ Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”
So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. ⁴² I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”
 ⁴³ When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” ⁴⁴ The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

 I've seen peace and faith in my friend as she walks through this intense season of pain and loss. The only way I can make sense of her strength, is faith that :  The one who believes in me will live, even though they die.  These are concepts I have believed in my head for a long time but now God is giving me the opportunity to exercise my faith and believe them in my heart.  

Good Friends, Good Parks

On Thursday we were blessed again by the gift of 4 hours of housekeeping. It feels surreal to come home to a house where the housekeeper has gone so far as to clean bathrooms, floors, windows and even our kitchen cupboards.  This amazing gift allows me to put all of my energy towards my boys.  We made plans to be out of the house so she can clean without children undoing all the work. 

We headed out of the house for a fun morning of immunizations. I think we entertained the whole doctor's office with our antics getting all three children in and out of the tiny exam room.  We got through the drama of the shots and and went on to join my good friend for some adventures at the park. My friend and her sister are from the Caribbean; their hospitality, generosity and laid back approach to life almost make me feel like I'm on holidays.  We left their house about an hour and half later than planned but in the mean time I was well fed with poached eggs, chai tea, good conversation and amazing toys for the kids.  Between all of us we ventured to the Redwood park with 7 boys under the age of 5.  

Mom to the Rescue

As lovely as it was to spend the previous day in the beautiful setting of towering Redwood trees, I paid for it today with uncontrollable sneezing, itchy watery eyes and congestion.  I would have loved to join Mike all day in bed; unfortunately chemo trumps seasonal allergies and someone has to keep caring for our little guys.  Thankfully my mom arrived to help us out for the remainder of the week. I  have reached a new level of exhaustion, so there is nothing better than having mom here.

Father's Day

Mike is an amazing Dad.  He is fun, adventurous and he offers the boys experiences that I can't.  They work in the shop with daddy, wrestle and rough house, and our camping adventures don't happen without Mike maintaining our old Volkswagen. Mike is not only fun and playful but also tender with the kids. He is there to meet their needs, show them love and cheer them on.  He backs me up with the important matters of discipline and character development.  During this season of treatment I've had to do many days as a single parent and it has made me appreciate more than ever what a great father Mike is.  

I tend to be one of those wives who remembers Father's Day the night before and scrambles to Shoppers at midnight to pick up a card. This year I really wanted Mike to feel appreciated, but I was out of ideas.  At this point in his cycle of treatment, Mike is weak, tired and repulsed by most food.  So fancy meals were out, a day trip wasn't going to work either. Finally I decided to surprise Mike by cleaning both of our vehicles top to bottom.  Mike usually takes responsibility for anything car related and I have yet to wash a car since we have been married. During this season of chemo the vehicles have been very neglected.  I didn't realize how bad it was until  I found a tuna sandwich underneath one of the car seats which explained the odor in my van.  This project took all day. The boys were involved and we all got very wet.  At 9 pm I was just starting on the VW when our neighbor and his two sons walked over with buckets, rags and cans of "tire shinning stuff".  We had the van clean in no time.  So the present was a group effort. 

Sunday morning we started Mike's day by squeezing the whole family on the bed, opening cards and watching a video that the boys had made for him.  I interviewed them and they chattered on about what they love about Daddy.  We served him corn flakes in bed, which I know isn't exciting, but is about all he can tolerate.  In the afternoon we took a drive to Fort Langley in our clean van and sat by the river while the boys had a treat. It wasn't anything fancy or expensive but it was the most special Father's Day I have ever had.  As we navigate through sickness,  Mike and I are both making huge sacrifices, but the result has been greater thankfulness for each other and our children.

A Precious Moment

 Today my mom, Mike, and I were discussing details of lab times, chemo times, my doctor's appointment and trying to piece together the puzzle of who was going where, who was looking after kids and who was driving. As we were discussing details and trying to finalize the plan that worked best, our 4 year old chimes in " I need to go with daddy to the hospital to help him be brave". My heart swelled with love as I see his heart of compassion. But the practical side of me knew it wouldn't be wise as Mike is feeling unwell today.  Mike was so touched by Toby's offer, he was ready to make it work. As I tried to reason with Toby, he continued with conviction: " I don't care if it is boring, I can handle it, I want to go with Daddy!"  O.k this was a new piece of the puzzle we needed to fit in.  

My mom looked after the two little boys while Toby and I dropped daddy off,  ran to my appointment and back to the chemo room for the remainder of the treatment.  Toby is normally cautious of new environments, shy of strangers, and nervous of doctors. However today he walked into the chemo room with confidence and determination. He had a job to do: "help daddy be brave". Toby was waving to the other patients, introducing himself to the nurses, and chattering continually. I was completely blown away.  He hopped up on dad's lap examined the IV and beamed with love. So did his Dad. I even brought the camera but I was so caught up in the moment I forgot to take a picture. Oh well, it was a precious moment to remember.

 It has taken me awhile but I think I've finally caught up on sharing the highs and lows, joys and sorrows of another week in chemo. Hopefully the last cycle ever!

Briefly

It's been over a week since I've made a new post and I'm sure some of you are wondering if everything is o.k.  Everything is fine. We are just at the end of our marathon, and we are tired.  I really enjoy reflecting and writing at the end of the day, unfortunately my day often doesn't end until much too late so I've had to let it go lately.  I have lots I want to share about our week and when I have a little more energy I'll give a recap of what's been happening in our life. But tonight I'll keep it brief.

• Mike finished his last long week of treatment.  He has two lighter weeks left in this cycle but that is it. No more Cysplatin or Etoposide being put into his veins ( those are the chemo drugs with the worst side effects).  We are so thankful this is the last time he gets knocked down, now we are on to recovery Yeah!
• No unusual symtoms for Mike, just the usual fatigue, nausea, weakness ect.  He is at the stage in his week where he is resting and sleeping most of the day. 
• Mike had a full panel of blood work done on Monday. All of his tumor markers are completely normal. No words can describe our relief and thankfulness. He has further tests (blood work, x-rays, CT scan) booked for the first week in August. Please pray that the mass in his lymph node is gone and the tumor markers remain normal once chemo stops. 
• I have really bad seasonal allergies this week hence why I haven't had any extra energy at the end of the day.  Thank goodness it's not anything contagious, but I feel miserable nonetheless.  My mom came yet again to our rescue and is helping us out.  Mike and I are amazed that no one in our family has been sick with a cold or flu for 2 months. We definitely believe God is protecting us because that is the longest we've been without runny noses in our home in a long time.

So in short we are doing really well. God is sustaining us day by day and meeting our needs. We've had many blessings along the way and when my eyes aren't swollen shut and my nose isn't streaming I'll share some of those moments with you but for now my goal is to have my head on my pillow by 9 pm.



 

Looking Ahead

"The Plan"

During the past two months Mike has had a lot of time to rest and reflect.  Yesterday Mike had the energy and desire to head back to his office and put some of these reflections into action.  As a church planter, Mike is used to planning vision, direction and schedules for the months ahead.  Mike's diagnosis put an abrupt end to all of our schedules as he could no longer guarantee that he would be well enough to carry out "the plan".

It has been a good exercise for our family to throw away "the plan" and live in the moment.  We've had a good break from the responsibility of leading the church; however, Mike is getting restless and is ready to dive back in.  He headed into his office and within a couple of hours had spreadsheets and calenders scattered around his desk. He got on the phone and started bouncing ideas off of our volunteers and by lunch time he had come up with a flexible plan for the summer and fall. I didn't realize how much I had missed  hearing Mike buzz around his office. Optimistic and in faith, we are ready to tackle cycle 4 of chemo and hopefully be back to normal life in approximately one month.

 Daddy's Cheerleaders

Today we had a check up with our oncologist.  I was emphatic that I did not want to miss the appointment, so we decided to attempt the appointment with three kids in tow.  We squeezed our mini van into the only parking spot left and unloaded our troop of boys along with snacks and a bag of entertainment because you just never know how long the wait will be.  I was glad that I had conceded and allowed Mike to throw in the portable DVD player because the clinic was backed up and the wait was long.  Good old Thomas the tank engine got us through the wait in the small waiting room.  Even though it was work to bring the kids I'm glad they came.  They got to see where Daddy has been coming to get his medicine,  and they proudly took on the role of  helping daddy be brave.  "Daddy we are going to cheer you on", " Daddy you are so brave"  echoed down the hallway as we got shuffled from one clinic to the next, one waiting room to an even smaller exam room.  The children's chatter, observations and smiles brought light and joy to an otherwise dismal place.  Many patients and family members enjoyed getting smiles from the kids and recalling stories of their own families when their children were small.   I really like our doctor and I was glad that he was able to meet the whole family that he has been helping, not just another chart number. 

                                   

 The News

After over an hour of waiting, we finally met with Dr. Oja.  Since the nurse had already told us last week that Mike's tumor markers were down,  we didn't really receive any new news, just more explanations of what the numbers represent and what lies ahead.

All of the major tumor markers are down to normal. However the one, non-specific blood marker, (LD) is still slightly elevated.  When we started treatment Mike's LD was abnormally elevated.  The normal range for this blood marker is below 220. Mike's LD started at  600 and has come down to 238.  The doctor explained that this marker has a longer half life so it can linger in the blood for a longer time. He expects that after this next round of chemo it will be back to normal.  Mike goes for a full panel of blood tests on Sunday and then starts his next round of chemo on Monday.  The doctor said that the treatment is yielding the results that they expect to see. He said Mike is moving into the phase of treatment called : "cured with surveillance".  What that means, is that they view the cancer as cured and they will continue to monitor him closely with blood tests and CT scans at regular intervals (probably every 3 months initially).  Mike will go for a CT scan near the end of July to monitor the mass in his lymph node.  Dr Oja wasn't anticipating the need for surgery on this mass, but we won't know until the scan is complete.   His advice was to get back to normal life, accept that you are cured, and in the rare event that the cancer re-surfaces they will catch it early and treat it again.    My heart leaped when I heard the term "cured" - Great News!  

Looking Ahead.....

Believing that Mike is in fact cured, still requires faith. Once you've fought cancer you know that it may come back, and at some point we may have to do this all over again.  But for now, we couldn't have asked for better news and we  rejoice in that.  Throughout this up and down journey Mike has always hugged me firmly, looked me in the eye, and told me with assurance: "God will take care of us" - He has.

I asked Mike how he felt about finishing chemo and looking ahead to our normal life of work and family.  In one sense he will be relieved to leave the discomforts of chemo behind. In another sense, he will miss all the familiar faces and comradeship at the cancer clinic.  We are so thankful that the outcome of Mike's treatment is positive, but we don't  want to lose the understanding we have gained from our suffering, the empathy we have for those facing illness, and the urgency to make the most of every moment.  I think that the regular follow up tests will remind us that our life is not our own, but is a gift from God.

 

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future. 

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, 

and I will listen to you. 

You will seek me and find me 

when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

 

Looking ahead to the next step we trust that whatever God has planned for us, his plan will be good!

Sunny Days

Friday morning we woke up to sunshine beaming through our window.  The light and warmth felt like a welcome relief after a gray and wet spring in Surrey.  Likewise,  the heavy cloud of exhaustion that Mike has been under for the past week finally lifted as well.  Mike woke up saying: " I think I'm feeling alright today". He still approached breakfast cautiously, but I could see immediately that Mike's strength and energy were back.  I felt optimistic that we were heading into some sunny days at last. This verse popped into my mind as I headed straight for the coffee pot and slowly eased into the morning.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!^[a]
      His mercies never cease.
 Great is his faithfulness;
      his mercies begin afresh each morning.

                                                                                  Lamentations 3:22,23

The kids, grandparents, auntie and myself  headed off to explore some new biking trails.  Mike and Scott stayed behind and opted for some man time. Toby biked 5 km on two wheels.  Tyler uses a Strider bike and he is absolutely fearless on it.  About 3.5 km along the trail Tyler wiped out going down a big hill.  His head hit the pavement first and we had a bit of a scare when he slipped into a deep sleep within 5 minutes of the accident. My mom and I are nurses so we started checking pupils, reflexes and using cruel techniques to keep him awake and check for appropriate responses. He started to perk up once we got back to the car and were able to get some food into him. Maybe it was a slight concussion, maybe low blood sugar, but  by the time we got home he was back to normal.  We kept a close eye on him for the remainder of the day and I was so thankful we didn't have to make a trip to the crazy Surrey ER department ( we've spent enough time there these last few months).

While we were out having our fair share of adventures, Mike decided to get his hands greasy.  My brother-in-law Scott has a massive 1980, bright blue, convertible truck that needed some repairs and Mike has been itching to work on it for some time now.  They had to commit to the repair when the ignition system exploded into a million little pieces.  Thus, they worked together all day and did a fair amount of visiting with passing neighbors who were intrigued by the unique vehicle wedged into our small garage.  Mike said it felt great to be out working with his hands, hanging out with friends, and doing something productive.

Our boys are obsessed with Uncle Scott's truck, so they took every opportunity to be in the garage watching the guys work.  Unfortunately, we had a second head injury that day while Toby was playing in the box of the truck.  He leaned on the tail gate, which gave way, and he fell head first onto the pavement.  We had many adults out there supervising, but it happened so fast no one could quite catch him.  He had a scrape on his head but nothing that cuddles couldn't fix.  Overall it was an eventful day to say the least!  Mike had surprising stamina and he came in for dinner with black hands and a satisfied smile on his face.

Saturday the sun continued to shine as did Mike's energy an enthusiasm.  We had to send my parents off to the island so we decided to head out to Tsawwassen with them and  spend our last day together at our favorite beach.  We found a great spot in the sand and set up with the bar-b-cue, lawn chairs, pales and shovels.  We stayed all day and relaxed, ate, and played on the beach.  Exploring tidal pools, wading into the warm water, enjoying the playground  and playing in the sand,  filled our day. These special family outings are such a contrast to the emptiness we feel in our home when Mike is sick.  This sunny day at the beach was a precious gift from God.  Everything felt complete and normal; in fact, I went through the day forgetting that we are in the middle of fighting cancer.

                                                          

We might be in the middle of a storm but just when we feel like we can't take any more, God breaks those dark clouds apart and lets the sun shine through.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, 

coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,

who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

 

Grace

 The Long Haul

We are in the middle of our third cycle of chemo and the recovery process has been more difficult this time round.  Mike has not bounced back as quickly during his "recovery" week; instead, it has been a slow process of gradually gaining more strength.

The biggest challenge has been fatigue and weakness. Mike becomes winded after small amounts of activity like climbing our stairs or having a shower.  His appetite is poor, he is managing to eat but has very little desire for food.  It is impossible to make a plan, as Mike doesn't know what his body will be capable of.  He might be feeling great while lying in bed but once he gets up to do something he feels exhausted again. Lack of energy has been frustrating for him and boring.  He is bored of TV and is often too tired to focus on reading,  so he spends a lot of time praying, resting, waiting.  This is definitely a change when you are used to "doing". Our faith has been stretched in so many different ways but Mike has shared with me how God is ministering to him in this season of stillness.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26

On Tuesday Mike went in for another chemo treatment and he battled nausea, weakness, indigestion and fatigue the whole time. He came home exhausted.  In spite of how crummy he was feeling he had a great conversation with the nurse during his treatment and a meaningful visit with a friend who is also battling cancer.  Mike is the weakest he has ever been, and yet in his weakness, we see God's hand prompting him to encourage others and shine light in the cancer clinic.  He is ministering out of a place of total weakness humility, and dependence on God.

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." James 4:10

It is a struggle for our family to see Mike feeling this way. The boys look forward to any opportunity to cuddle up with Daddy in bed but I know they are missing their strong Daddy that effortlessly tosses them around in the air.  We can't wait for those days to return. In the meantime, I see how the boys have developed compassion, empathy and strength as they give Daddy lots of extra hugs and "I love you's".

A special moment this week was when Mike used his only bit of energy to get out of bed and build an airplane with Toby.  Toby has been missing daddy the most, so this effort went a long way.

                                          

      Gaining Strength

On Wednesday Mike was feeling so bored of laying around the house that we decided to go for a drive. We didn't know what he'd have energy for so I let him set the pace and lead the way.  He told me to drive east.  We get refreshed by leaving the hustle and bustle of the city so I felt excited that Mike wanted to try.  I came prepared for a playground experience but instead we found a little fishing lake in Mission.  Mike stolled down to the waterfront and found a rock to sit on.  Within minutes Toby and Tyler squeezed on to the rock and were so content to be close to Dad.  We weren't at all prepared for the beach but the boys had fun and Mike and I were very entertained by their creativity.  The air was so fresh, the temperature perfect and Mike felt a better appetite just being in the fresh air.  The boys were sandy and wet by the end of the outing and the rain poured as we packed up -  but no one uttered a complaint.  The kids seemed so at ease having Mike with us again.

                                        
                                                                         Rolley Lake

      I'm trying to get a "cheese" but Mike and Toby have a different pose planned

              Keegan enjoying the view, later to be caught eating way too much sand
                                            

                                                 Perched on a rock with Daddy

                                                             Giving a High Five

Today we rushed out of the house first thing because we have been given the gift of a housekeeper during Mike's treatment.  I can't keep the kids in the house while she cleans so I needed to take them out somewhere. Mike wanted to try and join us.  We didn't have time for breakfast and Mike's stomach isn't brave enough for A&W yet so we went a step above fast food and headed to De Dutch.  Mike ate better than he has all week.  We had so much fun and ended the outing at Funworld. Mike found a massage lazy boy chair and watched the kids, myself and my mom climb through tunnels and down slides. My dad arrived tonight for a visit so we invited my sister and her family over and had a housefull for dinner.  The last two days have been great. Mike is gradually gaining more strength as the week goes on.

The nurses have explained to us that all the symptoms he is experiencing are completely normal for his treatment.  We can expect that the next round of chemo will be the same or perhaps a little more difficult.  It is reassuring to know that this will not last forever. Though it is a long haul the end is in sight.

Grace

The theme that Mike and I have taken away from this round of chemo is GRACE.  Our life is no longer about our strengths but about God's grace.  During Mike's hard days I had some moments of fear as my mind drifted to the "What If's...."  and "How is this all going to end?".  Mike shared words of wisdom with me in my moments of weakness. He said God gives us the grace for today and he will give us the grace for tomorrow but there is no point worrying about what tomorrow holds.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9