Surveillance

At the end of Mike's treatment I tried to pin down the doctor for a concrete prognosis. "So is he considered in remission?" I asked. Very matter of factually the doctor said " No.  Remission is when the cancer stops spreading, we call this phase cured with surveillance and he will be under surveillance forever." Huge sigh of relief and thanksgiving escaped my lips. Great news compared to the many terrifying scenarios which had run through my mind during  the process of diagnosis with cancer and chemotherapy.

I'm discovering however that living under surveillance is still an uncomfortable process. Something makes my stomach churn when I know Mike is heading to appointments where they are analyzing every organ in his body and every cell in his blood in search for cancer. In my mind I know that surveillance is a very good thing, they are watching him closely because this type of cancer has great prognosis when caught early and treated. My heart, however, still battles with fear.

We've been in this phase of  "Surveillance"  for 7 months now.  Check ups and blood work bring back some pretty awful memories for both of us, but I can honestly say that there are some benefits to these frequent reminders that life is fragile. Mostly it has changed our perspective. We are so thankful! When I watch Mike tossing our boys effortlessly in the air I am so thankful he has strength. When the noise of grinders and drills thunder through the house late at night I am thankful Mike as energy to create. When I cook a meal and he enjoys every bite I am thankful he can eat and enjoy.  When money is tight, parenting is difficult or scheduling is a nightmare I can see clearly that these worries are very minor. We  have gained fresh love and appreciation for each other. We have a new threshold for handling everyday burdens and stress because we are doing it together. I believe that being under surveillance has helped us hold on to this perspective. Every three months we are reminded how much we need God and how good it feels to give our burdens to him.

 As Mike headed off to his last CT scan I asked him if he got nervous he replied " Sort of but this is just a good reminder how much we need to depend on God, to live each day for Him, and to be thankful for what we've been given".  There are many moments I wish Mike did not have a file with Fraser Valley Cancer clinic for the rest of his life, but I know it is God's plan for us and His plan is Good.

This month I met with a group of friends and we all made a goal to apply the gospel to one area of our life. We asked Jesus to transform an area that we struggle with. This month my goal has been to give all my worry to God. Every time I start to feel worried I pray or read the passage in Matthew 6: 25-34. It is remarkable how much I do worry; however, it isn't as hard I though it would be to stop worrying. It is simple, just recognize that I am worrying and make a conscious effort to trust God.

Monday at 1:20  we meet with our oncologist to find out all of Mike's test results. I am lot less anxious about this appointment than I have felt in the past. I am so thankful to God for the power of his word, the presence of his Spirit  and  His amazing love.  We are learning the freedom that comes when we take it one day at a time.    

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

    “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.   Matthew 6: 25-34

 

Praise

Thank you for all of your comments. It is so uplifting to hear encouragements from friends and to praise God together. Many people have alongside us in our darkest moments and it is time to celebrate God's goodness together.

I found my camera and spent some time organizing my pictures so I thought I would post some pictures of the highlights over the last few months. Starting off with our amazing Gift: a week at Barnabas Family Camp.

                                               The Amazing View from Our Room
                                          

                                         We had fun trying our hand at Tennis, Hockey, Basketball ect.
                                          It was great to play together as a family again

                                         
                                              Robinhood family fair. Lots of Laughs lots of fun

                                           Water front fun trying out the Kayaks and Water trampoline

                                          

                                         Sipping on Milkshakes, Tyler ends up with more on his face than in his tummy

                                         Ty had his first tubing experience and is still a little shocked by it

The next blessing was our first camping trip of the year with our good friends Curt, Cindy and Logan. We missed out on summer camping so we were itching to get the van out to the woods. Alice Lake in Squamish was a long awaited camping delight!

Our October Family get away was exactly what we needed: Adventure, Solitude, Wilderness and Each other. We set off on an epic endeavor to reach some remote hot springs on a road that is not cut out for an old VW van loaded with a family of five and more gear than you can imagine. We had to turn back before reaching our destination; however in spite of our disappointment we found the most breathtaking camping spot on the way back to Harrison Lake. The days flew by as we built forts out of tarps, played serious games of quarry with our diggers, went on treasure Hunts, climbed rocks and logs, collected pebbles and walked along the beach. We even saw a seal in the lake. We went to bed at 7 pm with the kids and got more sleep than we have had in months. Although camping in October is a bit of work to say the least, we still spent the majority of the time playing together. The best part of the whole trip was seeing Mike back to his full strength, exuding enthusiasm, energy, and joy.

 Give praise to the LORD, proclaim his name;
   make known among the nations what he has done.
 Sing to him, sing praise to him;
   tell of all his wonderful acts.

1 Chronicles 16:8-9

The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock! 

 Exalted be my God, the Rock, my Savior! 

2 Samuel 22:47

Our family is praising God in a whole new way for His faithfulness, His compassion and His Love.  I live each day with a new appreciation for my husband, my family and the gift of life.

...and 3 months later... finally an update

Excuses, Excuses...

I am ashamed that I just abandoned the blog as soon as Mike's treatment was finished. I realize many of you must be hanging on for the end of the story......... and I left you hanging.  Counter to our virtual communication culture, I prefer face to face communication and I rarely find myself in front of a computer. So when Mike's treatment ended I wanted to close the cancer chapter in our life and in doing so I stopped blogging and returned to my old ways as we re-entered life in the fast lane. Our last few months have been a juggling act between my job, the church plant and 3 busy boys. We are all coming out of the fog and still trying to find a sense of equilibium. In spite of the busyness, stress and responsibilities we are so thankful to be back to normal.

The impact of our challenging season  hit me hardest as Mike started to regain his strength. I needed to put everything that reminded me of that difficult time on the shelf for awhile. The red sweat pants and chemo hat are stuffed to the back of the closet. I didn't want to cook perogies or chicken noodle soup ever again. Any pictures of Mike during treatment are out of sight, and I couldn't bring myself to log into the blog as too many traumatic memories are attached.
The last few months have been a good season of healing, I feel like the weight of fear is lifting and the fog is starting to dissipate. Our family feels whole again. Lately I have been getting pangs of guilt for not keeping you all updated because without your support, comments and prayers our journey through cancer would have been so difficult to endure.  So I want to re-iterate how important our friends and family are to us and your support through our challenging time was unbelievable. So at long last here is an update.

Mike's Health

Mike's health is good.  He has had 2 follow up visits with the oncologist since he finished chemo, one in September and one in December. Each follow up included a CT scan, blood work and a physical exam. The process of surveillance is also stressful.  Walking back into the cancer clinic brings back a flood of very vivid memories and emotions.  As we wait for results we know our life could change depending on the words we hear from our oncologist. We find ourselves holding on tightly to our faith knowing God will carry us through whatever comes our way as well as a belief that He is in control and will take care of us. At both of our visits our oncologist gave us good news: tumor markers are normal and the CT scan shows no evidence of cancer.  We breath a huge sigh of relief as we walk out of the clinic.We realize we will have to go through this process every 3 months for the next year but I can't describe how thankful we are to receive such good news.

Life and Family

I will try to give you snapshots of what the last 3 months have looked like for us:

August

We felt huge relief to be done chemo. It felt great to watch Mike recover and continue to gain strength without an impeding chemo date on the calender.  His appetite gradually returned, color returned to his checks and stubble started to appear on his head. Everything felt like signs of life, health and new beginnings. However it was still and everyday battle to choose faith over fear of the unknown.  Mike jumped back into working full time and made a remarkably quick recovery.  One highlight of August was taking a week of family vacation at a family camp on Keats Island. The surroundings were breathtaking and we had a week of getting pampered, nourished spiritually and rest. As Mike gained strength I found myself getting weary from the pace I had sustained during his treatment. So this week with child care, no cooking, no chores and time to play with my family was a taste of heaven.

September

Back to reality.  Mike's job is busy in the fall as programs launch and shuffles happen within the church.  Toby started preschool, so for the first time, we get a taste of school routine. I also started back to work. It  was a month of change and huge adjustment for the family, especially me.  Life is very full, the weeks fly by, but I am doing them with my partner again. These changes which would normally feel so stressful, don't feel that bad because we are tackling the art of balancing 3 kids, 2 jobs, and household duties  - together. Mike has full strength, is gaining weight, has his usual energy and a full head of hair.

October

Our family is getting into a better rhythm as the growing pains of "mommy" being back to work aren't quite as intense. October was our month where I finally felt like I had a chance to catch my breath and process what we had been through. Our spring and summer had been consumed by chemo and we hadn't used up Mike's vacation time so even though October is not premium vacation time we took a much needed holiday.  It was by no means a conventional or luxurious holiday but it was an adventure and we loved every minute of it. We actually went on a week long camping trip in October with our little kids.  We had our VW van loaded up and pulling a trailer teaming with bikes, rubber-maids, generators ect.  It is crazy how much stuff you bring with kids. We camped for a few days on a remote spot along Harrison Lake and then went on to Whister. We had many adventures, enjoyed lots of campfires, solitude and endured a few chilly nights. Our kids are troopers and amazing little campers and God blessed us with sunshine the whole week.  The week was packed full of memories I will cherish for the rest of my life.  I am so thankful Mike has the strength back to be having full fledged adventures in the wilderness again.  He is back. 

Movember

Mike not only has a full head of hair that is getting curlier by the day, but he also had a mustache for a few days to honor movember.  He couldn't handle the mustache for long though.  November we just kept on with the treadmill of work and kids. Mike is back working hard catching up for some of the time he was off, but he is enjoying being back to work.  The highlight of our month was a church planting conference in Quebec. We went without kids and stayed for 4 nights in the Chateau Frotenac (ou la la) . The conference was inspiring and a trip without kids was so relaxing.  We ate great food, enjoyed visiting with friends, walked through the old city and most of all cherished our time together.

December

We had a wonderful Christmas. It felt like such a special celebration as I have never felt so thankful for my family as I do this year. When you have a scare with someone you love it makes you appreciate them all the more.  We gathered with friends from our church and community on Christmas eve. We spent  a quiet Christmas day at home just the 5 of us. It was bliss lounging in our house coats and playing with new toys all day. Boxing day we headed off to Kamloops and has gift openings, Turkey dinners, fun in the snow and great memories with our family. We enjoyed seeing our parents and watching the kids have fun with their
grand parents.  It was a very special Christmas indeed.

Entering 2012

I would be lying if I didn't say that I am hoping for a better year, an easier year than 2011. I am very hopeful that Mike is indeed cured and healed.  We have also been told that the next 5 years holds the greatest risk of the cancer re occurring. I try really hard not to worry about that because I know worrying won't help or change anything.  Mike reminds me that absolutely none of us knows what will be around the corner and really all of us can have our life change in the matter of minutes. So there is no point in living in fear of the future. Instead we are  living each day thankful to have our husband and daddy back, and so we choose to live in the moment rather than living out the "what ifs".  I enter 2012 with a stronger faith in God's sovereign plan for our family.  I have a peace in knowing that God always provides, and I have an increased gratefulness for my family. I spend more time playing on the floor with my kids, snuggling on the couch with my husband and making memories together. I spend less time trying to keep up appearances, get organized and get ahead.  I know I learned these lessons through enduring that season of pain, and wrestling with the fear of the unknown. I hope we don't ever have to face cancer again, and  I do believe that Mike will make a full recovery. However  I know that if we do have to do it all again  - God's grace is sufficient.

At some point I will try to post some pictures of the last few months so you can all see how great Mike looks and how much fun the boys are!