The Lord is my Shepherd

Recovery

Though we celebrated Mike's last day of chemo over a week ago,  recovery is proving to be more difficult than we had anticipated.  Since we began treatment three months ago we have been counting down the days until it is over. Now that is over, we were hoping to have our life back, our Mike back.  The recovery stage is proving to be the biggest test of patience for both Mike and I.  There is no date on the calender telling us when Mike will be completely normal again, we just have to wait and take it one day at a time.  The last cycle of chemo has felt long and tedious; recovery isn't happening at the pace we had anticipated.  Mike is trying to engage in "normal" activities but he quickly finds himself back in a place of  shortness of breath, weakness and needing to find a place to rest.  He is tired of resting and he is mentally ready to do everything he would normally do but physically he has no stamina.  It is truly an exercise in waiting and patience.

"We Take Care of Each Other"

Mike and I seem to alternate between being in places of weakness and strength.  I reached my breaking point earlier this week when our family was offered a week of rest and relaxation at a family camp on Keats island.  This camp is a place designed for families to have time together, it offers a beautiful setting away from the city, and also provides programs for kids so that parents can receive time for spiritual renewal.  This week is exactly what I've been craving but Mike's body is not ready for travel just yet.  I felt crushed to pass this opportunity by, and yet Mike had to decide what was best for his body and his health.  It was the right decision, but it was hard for me to swallow because I'm ready  for a vacation. The next day, I reached the end of my rope, I was tense, testy and tired.  The tables turned and my family took care of me.  One special moment was when  Toby put his hand on my shoulder and repeated the phrases  I usually use with him. He said,  " Mommy I can see you are feeling grumpy. That's okay that you are feeling grumpy. Maybe you need a little time out". He was right, I did need a time out!  Later that evening I was venting my feelings to Mike as I tackled the evening chores.  Mike stopped my flurry of activity, sat me down in a chair, ordered me to sit and listen to this one song, he then passed me my running shoes and sent me out for a run.  I was moved by the amazing melody and words of this song by Jeremy Riddle:

Let the pain, in my life
Find it's healing, in Your eyes
Every hurt, every loss
Pull me closer, to Your heart
Let the wind and the waves
Bring anew, courage and a faith
I'm singing out, singing out...

The Lord is my Shepherd and I want for nothing
You lead me to water for You know I'm thirsting
And I, am only satisfied, by You

Every day, I make a choice
To be led, only by your voice
To be bold and unafraid
Knowing I am covered, I am safe
For even now, in my need
You are proving yet again to me,
You are there, You are there, Always there

Fresh perspective from these words and some endorphins from my run helped to push my restart button.  I collapsed on the couch beside Mike, my smile was back and I said somewhat sheeplishly: "You know my worst side comes out with you because I trust you". He laughed and said sincerely, "I know". I  thanked him for taking such good care of me and he replied  "We take care of each other".  This has been a very trying season for both of us, but I'm so thankful we have God and each other. 

Play

We are coming to terms with the fact that recovery may be slow and we will have to seize the small opportunities to play and laugh.  Saturday night I came down the stairs after tucking the kids into bed, to find a giant beach ball as the new center piece in our living room. Mike was blowing up a home-made, 10 foot tall beach ball with my hair dryer which he planned to use the following day for Kids Church. I've lived with Mike Roth long enough by now that this sort of thing shouldn't surprise me, but it still makes me laugh. So at the end of a day, even the grumpy ones, it  helps me to sing, run, and play.

                                                       

 Can't Plan -  Can Pray

Recovery is unpredictable. Each day is so different, and planning is nearly impossible.  For example, on Sunday Mike and I put on a special event for Kids Church, socialized with friends over lunch, and Mike even went for a ride in a top of the line Nissan sports car with a friend.  The following day was a total contrast,  I felt like I had stepped foot on to a busy medical ward.. I spent the night looking after our son who had come down with a fever and spent the morning looking after Mike who woke with an excruciating sinus headache. I quickly got on the phone, discussed his symptoms with the cancer clinic and then arranged an appointment with the doctor.  His immune system is still very weak from chemo so the runny nose he had caught from the kids this week turned into a sinus infection. He started on antibiotics and pain killers and has spent the rest of the day in bed.

We can't predict how much we should or shouldn't take on. We can see in hindsight that we were too ambitious on Sunday and now we will have to take it back a notch again.   It is encouraging when Mike takes steps forward and discouraging to take steps backwards. We are trying to get back to our normal life but God has a different plan.  He is teaching us to be patient.  Ultimately, we are coming to terms with the fact that though we reached the end date of chemo on our calender; we haven't crossed the finish line of our marathon yet. So instead of striving to jump back into normal life,  I've started to pray this prayer from Colossians 1:10 - 11:

We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,  being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience