Surveillance

At the end of Mike's treatment I tried to pin down the doctor for a concrete prognosis. "So is he considered in remission?" I asked. Very matter of factually the doctor said " No.  Remission is when the cancer stops spreading, we call this phase cured with surveillance and he will be under surveillance forever." Huge sigh of relief and thanksgiving escaped my lips. Great news compared to the many terrifying scenarios which had run through my mind during  the process of diagnosis with cancer and chemotherapy.

I'm discovering however that living under surveillance is still an uncomfortable process. Something makes my stomach churn when I know Mike is heading to appointments where they are analyzing every organ in his body and every cell in his blood in search for cancer. In my mind I know that surveillance is a very good thing, they are watching him closely because this type of cancer has great prognosis when caught early and treated. My heart, however, still battles with fear.

We've been in this phase of  "Surveillance"  for 7 months now.  Check ups and blood work bring back some pretty awful memories for both of us, but I can honestly say that there are some benefits to these frequent reminders that life is fragile. Mostly it has changed our perspective. We are so thankful! When I watch Mike tossing our boys effortlessly in the air I am so thankful he has strength. When the noise of grinders and drills thunder through the house late at night I am thankful Mike as energy to create. When I cook a meal and he enjoys every bite I am thankful he can eat and enjoy.  When money is tight, parenting is difficult or scheduling is a nightmare I can see clearly that these worries are very minor. We  have gained fresh love and appreciation for each other. We have a new threshold for handling everyday burdens and stress because we are doing it together. I believe that being under surveillance has helped us hold on to this perspective. Every three months we are reminded how much we need God and how good it feels to give our burdens to him.

 As Mike headed off to his last CT scan I asked him if he got nervous he replied " Sort of but this is just a good reminder how much we need to depend on God, to live each day for Him, and to be thankful for what we've been given".  There are many moments I wish Mike did not have a file with Fraser Valley Cancer clinic for the rest of his life, but I know it is God's plan for us and His plan is Good.

This month I met with a group of friends and we all made a goal to apply the gospel to one area of our life. We asked Jesus to transform an area that we struggle with. This month my goal has been to give all my worry to God. Every time I start to feel worried I pray or read the passage in Matthew 6: 25-34. It is remarkable how much I do worry; however, it isn't as hard I though it would be to stop worrying. It is simple, just recognize that I am worrying and make a conscious effort to trust God.

Monday at 1:20  we meet with our oncologist to find out all of Mike's test results. I am lot less anxious about this appointment than I have felt in the past. I am so thankful to God for the power of his word, the presence of his Spirit  and  His amazing love.  We are learning the freedom that comes when we take it one day at a time.    

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

    “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.   Matthew 6: 25-34

 

Praise

Thank you for all of your comments. It is so uplifting to hear encouragements from friends and to praise God together. Many people have alongside us in our darkest moments and it is time to celebrate God's goodness together.

I found my camera and spent some time organizing my pictures so I thought I would post some pictures of the highlights over the last few months. Starting off with our amazing Gift: a week at Barnabas Family Camp.

                                               The Amazing View from Our Room
                                          

                                         We had fun trying our hand at Tennis, Hockey, Basketball ect.
                                          It was great to play together as a family again

                                         
                                              Robinhood family fair. Lots of Laughs lots of fun

                                           Water front fun trying out the Kayaks and Water trampoline

                                          

                                         Sipping on Milkshakes, Tyler ends up with more on his face than in his tummy

                                         Ty had his first tubing experience and is still a little shocked by it

The next blessing was our first camping trip of the year with our good friends Curt, Cindy and Logan. We missed out on summer camping so we were itching to get the van out to the woods. Alice Lake in Squamish was a long awaited camping delight!

Our October Family get away was exactly what we needed: Adventure, Solitude, Wilderness and Each other. We set off on an epic endeavor to reach some remote hot springs on a road that is not cut out for an old VW van loaded with a family of five and more gear than you can imagine. We had to turn back before reaching our destination; however in spite of our disappointment we found the most breathtaking camping spot on the way back to Harrison Lake. The days flew by as we built forts out of tarps, played serious games of quarry with our diggers, went on treasure Hunts, climbed rocks and logs, collected pebbles and walked along the beach. We even saw a seal in the lake. We went to bed at 7 pm with the kids and got more sleep than we have had in months. Although camping in October is a bit of work to say the least, we still spent the majority of the time playing together. The best part of the whole trip was seeing Mike back to his full strength, exuding enthusiasm, energy, and joy.

 Give praise to the LORD, proclaim his name;
   make known among the nations what he has done.
 Sing to him, sing praise to him;
   tell of all his wonderful acts.

1 Chronicles 16:8-9

The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock! 

 Exalted be my God, the Rock, my Savior! 

2 Samuel 22:47

Our family is praising God in a whole new way for His faithfulness, His compassion and His Love.  I live each day with a new appreciation for my husband, my family and the gift of life.

...and 3 months later... finally an update

Excuses, Excuses...

I am ashamed that I just abandoned the blog as soon as Mike's treatment was finished. I realize many of you must be hanging on for the end of the story......... and I left you hanging.  Counter to our virtual communication culture, I prefer face to face communication and I rarely find myself in front of a computer. So when Mike's treatment ended I wanted to close the cancer chapter in our life and in doing so I stopped blogging and returned to my old ways as we re-entered life in the fast lane. Our last few months have been a juggling act between my job, the church plant and 3 busy boys. We are all coming out of the fog and still trying to find a sense of equilibium. In spite of the busyness, stress and responsibilities we are so thankful to be back to normal.

The impact of our challenging season  hit me hardest as Mike started to regain his strength. I needed to put everything that reminded me of that difficult time on the shelf for awhile. The red sweat pants and chemo hat are stuffed to the back of the closet. I didn't want to cook perogies or chicken noodle soup ever again. Any pictures of Mike during treatment are out of sight, and I couldn't bring myself to log into the blog as too many traumatic memories are attached.
The last few months have been a good season of healing, I feel like the weight of fear is lifting and the fog is starting to dissipate. Our family feels whole again. Lately I have been getting pangs of guilt for not keeping you all updated because without your support, comments and prayers our journey through cancer would have been so difficult to endure.  So I want to re-iterate how important our friends and family are to us and your support through our challenging time was unbelievable. So at long last here is an update.

Mike's Health

Mike's health is good.  He has had 2 follow up visits with the oncologist since he finished chemo, one in September and one in December. Each follow up included a CT scan, blood work and a physical exam. The process of surveillance is also stressful.  Walking back into the cancer clinic brings back a flood of very vivid memories and emotions.  As we wait for results we know our life could change depending on the words we hear from our oncologist. We find ourselves holding on tightly to our faith knowing God will carry us through whatever comes our way as well as a belief that He is in control and will take care of us. At both of our visits our oncologist gave us good news: tumor markers are normal and the CT scan shows no evidence of cancer.  We breath a huge sigh of relief as we walk out of the clinic.We realize we will have to go through this process every 3 months for the next year but I can't describe how thankful we are to receive such good news.

Life and Family

I will try to give you snapshots of what the last 3 months have looked like for us:

August

We felt huge relief to be done chemo. It felt great to watch Mike recover and continue to gain strength without an impeding chemo date on the calender.  His appetite gradually returned, color returned to his checks and stubble started to appear on his head. Everything felt like signs of life, health and new beginnings. However it was still and everyday battle to choose faith over fear of the unknown.  Mike jumped back into working full time and made a remarkably quick recovery.  One highlight of August was taking a week of family vacation at a family camp on Keats Island. The surroundings were breathtaking and we had a week of getting pampered, nourished spiritually and rest. As Mike gained strength I found myself getting weary from the pace I had sustained during his treatment. So this week with child care, no cooking, no chores and time to play with my family was a taste of heaven.

September

Back to reality.  Mike's job is busy in the fall as programs launch and shuffles happen within the church.  Toby started preschool, so for the first time, we get a taste of school routine. I also started back to work. It  was a month of change and huge adjustment for the family, especially me.  Life is very full, the weeks fly by, but I am doing them with my partner again. These changes which would normally feel so stressful, don't feel that bad because we are tackling the art of balancing 3 kids, 2 jobs, and household duties  - together. Mike has full strength, is gaining weight, has his usual energy and a full head of hair.

October

Our family is getting into a better rhythm as the growing pains of "mommy" being back to work aren't quite as intense. October was our month where I finally felt like I had a chance to catch my breath and process what we had been through. Our spring and summer had been consumed by chemo and we hadn't used up Mike's vacation time so even though October is not premium vacation time we took a much needed holiday.  It was by no means a conventional or luxurious holiday but it was an adventure and we loved every minute of it. We actually went on a week long camping trip in October with our little kids.  We had our VW van loaded up and pulling a trailer teaming with bikes, rubber-maids, generators ect.  It is crazy how much stuff you bring with kids. We camped for a few days on a remote spot along Harrison Lake and then went on to Whister. We had many adventures, enjoyed lots of campfires, solitude and endured a few chilly nights. Our kids are troopers and amazing little campers and God blessed us with sunshine the whole week.  The week was packed full of memories I will cherish for the rest of my life.  I am so thankful Mike has the strength back to be having full fledged adventures in the wilderness again.  He is back. 

Movember

Mike not only has a full head of hair that is getting curlier by the day, but he also had a mustache for a few days to honor movember.  He couldn't handle the mustache for long though.  November we just kept on with the treadmill of work and kids. Mike is back working hard catching up for some of the time he was off, but he is enjoying being back to work.  The highlight of our month was a church planting conference in Quebec. We went without kids and stayed for 4 nights in the Chateau Frotenac (ou la la) . The conference was inspiring and a trip without kids was so relaxing.  We ate great food, enjoyed visiting with friends, walked through the old city and most of all cherished our time together.

December

We had a wonderful Christmas. It felt like such a special celebration as I have never felt so thankful for my family as I do this year. When you have a scare with someone you love it makes you appreciate them all the more.  We gathered with friends from our church and community on Christmas eve. We spent  a quiet Christmas day at home just the 5 of us. It was bliss lounging in our house coats and playing with new toys all day. Boxing day we headed off to Kamloops and has gift openings, Turkey dinners, fun in the snow and great memories with our family. We enjoyed seeing our parents and watching the kids have fun with their
grand parents.  It was a very special Christmas indeed.

Entering 2012

I would be lying if I didn't say that I am hoping for a better year, an easier year than 2011. I am very hopeful that Mike is indeed cured and healed.  We have also been told that the next 5 years holds the greatest risk of the cancer re occurring. I try really hard not to worry about that because I know worrying won't help or change anything.  Mike reminds me that absolutely none of us knows what will be around the corner and really all of us can have our life change in the matter of minutes. So there is no point in living in fear of the future. Instead we are  living each day thankful to have our husband and daddy back, and so we choose to live in the moment rather than living out the "what ifs".  I enter 2012 with a stronger faith in God's sovereign plan for our family.  I have a peace in knowing that God always provides, and I have an increased gratefulness for my family. I spend more time playing on the floor with my kids, snuggling on the couch with my husband and making memories together. I spend less time trying to keep up appearances, get organized and get ahead.  I know I learned these lessons through enduring that season of pain, and wrestling with the fear of the unknown. I hope we don't ever have to face cancer again, and  I do believe that Mike will make a full recovery. However  I know that if we do have to do it all again  - God's grace is sufficient.

At some point I will try to post some pictures of the last few months so you can all see how great Mike looks and how much fun the boys are!

Onward and Upward

We made it through a week of sick kids and at the end of it Mike is still healthy!  Mike is still on antibiotics for the sinus infection but they are working - he has no  more symptoms and he never developed a fever. We praise God, I know he had His hand on Mike all week because it is a miracle he didn't run into serious problems given the circumstances.  We are so thankful.

Since Thursday Mike has had increasing strength and stamina. He is easing back into work and he is preaching for the first time in almost 4 months. He has really missed work. I love watching him get back to doing what he loves.  Tomorrow Mike is going to share his perspective on walking through cancer and all that God has taught him.  We are going to try and link his message to the blog so if you want to hear Mike's voice you can.  We'll see how it goes  I'm not a techie, but we do have friends who are.

Mike's mom arrived on Friday she is helping us run Kids camp.  The weekend has been bustling and our house has turned into a bee hive of activity as we prepare for next week. I think our doorbell rang 20 times on Friday, our entry way and basement are filling up with camp supplies but I'm not complaining for it's a great change from our last few months.  Our family is starting to integrate back into our "normal" life and it feels great.

Next week will be a whirlwind as our small church hosts 85 children from our community.  This week is always exhausting but is also so much fun.  This event is very close to our heart and this is the first year Mike isn't at the center of all the activity.  Volunteers have put in countless hours to make this happen and we are standing back in amazement, watching everything come together. "Thank you" just doesn't cut it, for all the work and sacrifice that the volunteers have given.  I know God will be glorified this week and we get to be a part of it.

Please pray for a great week of camp as well as wisdom for our family to participate without over doing it.  We continue to navigate through recovery  -  onward and upward.

Because your love is better than life,
   my lips will glorify you.
 I will praise you as long as I live,
   and in your name I will lift up my hands. 

Psalm 63:3,4

Set Backs

This sinus infection has indeed felt like a set back.  Mike has been in a lot of pain but he is finding T3's are helping him endure the pain until the antibiotics kick in.  He has spent the day in bed with ice on his head. It is difficult to see him confined to our bed and struggling with discomfort again.  His body is weak from chemo, he is prone to getting infections, so we are coming to terms with the fact that set backs will be normal for awhile.

Our household is busy and bustling as ever. We spent the day in our yard, running through the sprinkler, playing sports, reading books. The boys and I finished off the day with a bar-b-que at Fleetwood park with my sister and our neighbors. All in all the day went well, but I'm back to long busy days again.

Our church puts on a kids camp next week.  The camp is always a lot of work, but it is a highlight of our year. This week feels like a juggling act between caring for Mike, managing the household, planning for camp and squeezing in some summer time fun with the kids.  The highlight of my day was tucking the kids in to bed, looking around at the mess in the house and deciding to put off clean up until I'd had a good walk with my good friend.  I  spontaneously called up my friend and we both abandoned dishes and tidying for the great outdoors and good conversation.  Ahhh, I came home refreshed and it was worth the late night clean up.

I'm a day late posting this entry because my writing was interrupted by our son who woke up with a nightmare. While I'm at it,  I'll give you a brief update on today.

Mike is doing much better today. He was out of bed all day and  he has been able to manage his sinus pain with regular Tylenol.  Unfortunately, his stomach is really upset by the antibiotics.  He seems to have residual stomach ulcers from all the chemo, so taking more pills is the last thing he feels like doing but it is necessary.  Eating has been a challenge again, Mike is down to the weight he was when I met him 12 years ago, but he looks healthy.

Our children have been keeping us busy. Tyler has been having night time tantrums for the last 4 nights.  He wakes up a couple of times a night and is hysterical.  He is very difficult to settle and he is unable to verbalize what is upsetting him.  We are not sure if he is in pain, having a nightmare or just expressing the stress he may have been feeling over the last few months. His sleep patterns are poor which makes for moody days. Tonight Toby came down with a fever and vomiting, so unfortunately we are not home free from sickness yet. No matter how much Lysol I use or how much laundry I do, sickness seems to move from one child to the next.  Please pray for protection for Mike as we would love to avoid another set back.  We will see what God has planned. He certainly is teaching us to live in the present and trust Him with our future.

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13

So my goal is to be content, even with set backs.

The Lord is my Shepherd

Recovery

Though we celebrated Mike's last day of chemo over a week ago,  recovery is proving to be more difficult than we had anticipated.  Since we began treatment three months ago we have been counting down the days until it is over. Now that is over, we were hoping to have our life back, our Mike back.  The recovery stage is proving to be the biggest test of patience for both Mike and I.  There is no date on the calender telling us when Mike will be completely normal again, we just have to wait and take it one day at a time.  The last cycle of chemo has felt long and tedious; recovery isn't happening at the pace we had anticipated.  Mike is trying to engage in "normal" activities but he quickly finds himself back in a place of  shortness of breath, weakness and needing to find a place to rest.  He is tired of resting and he is mentally ready to do everything he would normally do but physically he has no stamina.  It is truly an exercise in waiting and patience.

"We Take Care of Each Other"

Mike and I seem to alternate between being in places of weakness and strength.  I reached my breaking point earlier this week when our family was offered a week of rest and relaxation at a family camp on Keats island.  This camp is a place designed for families to have time together, it offers a beautiful setting away from the city, and also provides programs for kids so that parents can receive time for spiritual renewal.  This week is exactly what I've been craving but Mike's body is not ready for travel just yet.  I felt crushed to pass this opportunity by, and yet Mike had to decide what was best for his body and his health.  It was the right decision, but it was hard for me to swallow because I'm ready  for a vacation. The next day, I reached the end of my rope, I was tense, testy and tired.  The tables turned and my family took care of me.  One special moment was when  Toby put his hand on my shoulder and repeated the phrases  I usually use with him. He said,  " Mommy I can see you are feeling grumpy. That's okay that you are feeling grumpy. Maybe you need a little time out". He was right, I did need a time out!  Later that evening I was venting my feelings to Mike as I tackled the evening chores.  Mike stopped my flurry of activity, sat me down in a chair, ordered me to sit and listen to this one song, he then passed me my running shoes and sent me out for a run.  I was moved by the amazing melody and words of this song by Jeremy Riddle:

Let the pain, in my life
Find it's healing, in Your eyes
Every hurt, every loss
Pull me closer, to Your heart
Let the wind and the waves
Bring anew, courage and a faith
I'm singing out, singing out...

The Lord is my Shepherd and I want for nothing
You lead me to water for You know I'm thirsting
And I, am only satisfied, by You

Every day, I make a choice
To be led, only by your voice
To be bold and unafraid
Knowing I am covered, I am safe
For even now, in my need
You are proving yet again to me,
You are there, You are there, Always there

Fresh perspective from these words and some endorphins from my run helped to push my restart button.  I collapsed on the couch beside Mike, my smile was back and I said somewhat sheeplishly: "You know my worst side comes out with you because I trust you". He laughed and said sincerely, "I know". I  thanked him for taking such good care of me and he replied  "We take care of each other".  This has been a very trying season for both of us, but I'm so thankful we have God and each other. 

Play

We are coming to terms with the fact that recovery may be slow and we will have to seize the small opportunities to play and laugh.  Saturday night I came down the stairs after tucking the kids into bed, to find a giant beach ball as the new center piece in our living room. Mike was blowing up a home-made, 10 foot tall beach ball with my hair dryer which he planned to use the following day for Kids Church. I've lived with Mike Roth long enough by now that this sort of thing shouldn't surprise me, but it still makes me laugh. So at the end of a day, even the grumpy ones, it  helps me to sing, run, and play.

                                                       

 Can't Plan -  Can Pray

Recovery is unpredictable. Each day is so different, and planning is nearly impossible.  For example, on Sunday Mike and I put on a special event for Kids Church, socialized with friends over lunch, and Mike even went for a ride in a top of the line Nissan sports car with a friend.  The following day was a total contrast,  I felt like I had stepped foot on to a busy medical ward.. I spent the night looking after our son who had come down with a fever and spent the morning looking after Mike who woke with an excruciating sinus headache. I quickly got on the phone, discussed his symptoms with the cancer clinic and then arranged an appointment with the doctor.  His immune system is still very weak from chemo so the runny nose he had caught from the kids this week turned into a sinus infection. He started on antibiotics and pain killers and has spent the rest of the day in bed.

We can't predict how much we should or shouldn't take on. We can see in hindsight that we were too ambitious on Sunday and now we will have to take it back a notch again.   It is encouraging when Mike takes steps forward and discouraging to take steps backwards. We are trying to get back to our normal life but God has a different plan.  He is teaching us to be patient.  Ultimately, we are coming to terms with the fact that though we reached the end date of chemo on our calender; we haven't crossed the finish line of our marathon yet. So instead of striving to jump back into normal life,  I've started to pray this prayer from Colossians 1:10 - 11:

We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,  being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience

Wiggle

We Did It

Today was Mike's last day going to the chemo room for treatment.  In some ways it feels like yesterday that I sat down at this computer for the fist time and wrote: Day 1 of Chemo. I remember at the end of our first week of treatment looking ahead and thinking I can't imagine how we are going to do this for three months.   Here we are. We did it!  

Good

Over the course of Mike's therapy I have gone to very few of his treatments because the kids need me. Over the past 3 months we have had so many friends help drive Mike to chemo, but today I was determined to walk out of the cancer clinic for THE LAST TIME as a family! So against all odds I woke up 2 boys from naps and battled rush hour to watch my husband be unhooked from his last dose. It was good for the boys to see where Daddy has been going, to see the IV, to ask questions, to meet the nurses.  They were both all smiles and eager to hop up on his lap.   We are so thankful for the great care we received at the cancer clinic which made this experience less frightening and more bearable.  We thanked the nurses and left FVCC hoping that we never have to go back.

As we made our way across the parking lot in the rain, arms full of children, diaper bags slung from our shoulders,  I smiled at my brave husband and said: "I'm so proud of you, you did it!".  He looked at our boys and then at me and replied, "We did it!".  I wouldn't recommend this experience to anyone but it has brought us closer together as a family and it has brought out humility, compassion, courage and faith in all of us (our kids included).  God brings out GOOD even in the most difficult experiences.

                                             And we know that God causes everything
                                              to work together for the GOOD

                                              of those who love God and are called 

                                              according to his purpose

                                              Romans 8:28

Wiggle

So here we are, chemo is officially over but I don't feel like we have emerged from the fog quite yet. Mike's last round of chemo has dragged on the longest. His body has been badly beaten by chemo and his strength and energy are taking longer to return.  This is to be expected after four rounds of intense treatment, but we are struggling to be patient. The end is in sight and though we are all tired, we are also eager to race ahead and dive back into life.  Each day that Mike gains strength I'm getting progressively more tired.  The pace and stress of these last 6 months is catching up to me.

One morning I was celebrating that Keegan had slept through the night and my mom informed me that that wasn't the case -  I just didn't hear him.  I'm not one to let my baby "cry it out" so after a few moments of guilt I just had to shrug my shoulders and remind myself I'm doing the best that I can.  Each day that my husband is getting stronger,  I'm giving myself permission to be weak. The mess may pile up, the house isn't in order, but I feel at peace to lie in the middle of the floor with my children playing around me because my body is demanding rest. I may be weary but I feel peace and joy in knowing that Mike is recovering, he is getting better. Praise God.

   My good friend, who has experienced similar challenges, posted a comment that perfectly describes what this last week has felt like and what I anticipate the next little while will be like. She wrote:  I'm hoping these days get better and better for you as you wiggle into a new routine and real recovery! "Wiggle"  is the perfect description for the adjustments we are going through as Mike recovers.  It is a dance of one step forward, one step back and many adjustments along the way.  The days are certainly getting better, but the challenge for me has been perspective and patience.  Mike has been so encouraging and through his love and care for me I've been reminded that though chemo may be done, God isn't finished teaching us to wait on him, to hand over our plans, and to trust him with the next chapter in our lives.

                                                           A Gift

Last night a young girl from our church showed up unexpectedly at our door with a gift.  She just turned 13 and she already inspires others by her generosity and kind heart.  She presented Mike with these beautifully framed embroidered words:

He that dwells in the secret place of the most High 

shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

Psalm 91:1

As we say goodbye to chemo and slowly wiggle back into our life,  I know that God has us exactly where He wants us to be - abiding in the shadow of the Almighty!